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Lawyer Tallies Up All Of MacCauley Culkin’s Crimes In ‘Home Alone 2,’ Figures Out His Jail Sentence

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You gotta love the internet.

A lawyer in England who specializes in criminal law recently watched “Home Alone 2” and catalogued all the criminal activity in the Christmas classic — live tweeting the whole thing.

The anonymous lawyer, known as The Secret Barrister, declares that Kevin, played by MacCauley Culkin, commits numerous crimes, as do his parents and others in the movie.

The lawyer lays the ground rules, saying he or she will consider “how the adventures of Kevin McAllister might have been different had he, his family and his adversaries been subject to the jurisdiction of the law of England and Wales.” He follows with a brief synopsis of the plot: “In Home Alone, Kevin’s family flew to Paris for Christmas and forgot him. Oops.”

Then the barrister gets rolling.

“And we’re off! Uncle Frank is in the shower! Kevin’s recording him! It’s voyeurism! Strike one! Frank is fully entitled to be livid,” the lawyer wrote on Twitter.

“Its the choir scene. Buzz is humiliating Kevin and all the parents are lapping it up. The sickos. Kevin responds with a s39 battery on his big brother. Strike 2. Pianist is caught in the crossfire. Issue over causation, but let’s add a s47 ABH to the indictment,” the barrister wrote.

Kevin’s parents are also dinged.

The bandits, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, also would’ve spent some time in the clink.

The barrister veers into legalese at some points.

“‘Operation Ho Ho Ho’, while undeniably mechanically and architecturally impressive, would be admissible as a confession document in a court of law. It shows a degree of premeditation that goes some way beyond self-defence or defence of property. It’s bloodthirsty vigilantism,” the lawyer writes.

At the end of the movie, the barrister tallies up the crimes and sentences.

And poor little forgotten Kevin would go into the stripey hole for up to four years!

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3 Comments
  • C. L. Cake says:

    In England, you have no right to defend your life and property. They’re SUBJECTS, not citizens. In America, we have the right to self defense, except in Communist states like California, New York, New Jersey, and a few others, where criminals are a protected species. (The Dems need to keep their voter base alive.)

  • C. L. Cake says:

    As for the Barrister’s other charges, the parents are not at fault for leaving him behind because it takes a village, and the village is responsible. The shower video is legal since Kevin identifies as an adult movie director. As far as vigilantism, he’s a minor, so his record would be sealed when he turns 18. Oh, well… God save the queen, cheerio, and all that rot… 🙂

  • RWF
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